Random Thoughts
If there is one thing I've learned from history, it's that we have learned nothing from our history.
Hate your favorite song by setting it as your alarm ringtone.
I chew so much gum, I'm thinking of taking up cigarettes just to quit my gum habits.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy.
Barbie may seem like she has everything, but I bet she'd trade it all for some eyelids.
Anyone else ever wonder what their second grade pen-pal is up to these days?
There should be a car decal of just one stick figure and a caption that reads: "Doing my part for population control."
Just heard that a few Walmarts will be opening dental office's inside their stores. I bet there will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
One day I'd like to read the book that seems to have all the oldest tricks written in it.
At what point in someone's life do they just say "fuck it I'm going to swallow knifes for a living"?
If you take the elevator up or down one floor chances are everyone else in there is judging you.
It's not drinking alone if the dogs are home.
How can the sound of a little mosquito initiate the exact same reflexes as if my head were set on fire?
If you're smoking in your Prius, I think your priorities are wrong.
You know how there are leashes for kids so they don't run off and get lost, or get themselves killed? ... Well, I need one for my grown-up drunk friends.
As long as NASCAR exists, I absolutely refuse to believe there is a gasoline crisis in the world.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that it's okay to have your dog watch your kids while you go out and party.
My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
1% Battery left* Me: “Challenge accepted!”
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
On my tombstone I want it to say, I didn't forward that email to 15 friends.
I like that one rap song where they rap about how much money they have.
I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
Let's all take a moment to be thankful spiders can't fly.
I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.
Don't worry that spider is so much smaller than you, yeah, and so is a grenade!
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in Chineese.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance……. The 5 stages of buying gas.
HEY, WHO STOLE MY – nevermind, I found it.
Everyone in the corporate world has the same strategy for fixing the broken office printer. Look around, make sure no one saw you, walk away, justify why you don't really need that printout. Then come back an hour later to see if it is fixed.
Dear ice cubes, please stop attacking my face. I just want the rest of my drink.
I tend to think love would be a lot more interesting if Cupid replaced his bow and arrow with a sniper rifle.
Living each day like it's your last is a really good excuse for never filling up my gas tank
No you cannot have the red Starburst - I was nice enough to offer you A Starburst so shut up and take the yellow one.
If I spray a mosquito with mosquito repellant, will he die alone and friendless?
Next election, I want one of the choices to be, "None of the above".
Don't believe everything they tell you! I ate an apple in front of a doctor the other day and the bastard didn't go away!
You know what's amazing about life? Me neither.
You know you're in trouble when you say, "I know my rights."
Pepe Le Pew is consistently sexually assaulting that cat and nobody's saying anything?
Skinny jeans are called skinny for a reason. If you're the opposite of skinny, don't wear them.
Epic fail: I just sneezed into a fan
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I couldn't hear anything over the sound of your face tattoo telling me not to take you seriously.
If I had a quarter for every time I saw a vibrating bed, I would use it.
While cleaning out my son's closet I found a squished, unopened Twinkie in his backpack from last year. I was almost too disgusted to eat it.
With a solid center surrounded by molten layers and a thin crust, the Earth sounds delicious.
Men make amazing salesmen. This comes from years of trying to persuade women to have sex with them.
Some studies show as many as 30% of married individuals are having an affair. This leads me to believe I could freak out an awful lot of people in a day with random accusations. "Psst, I know all about the affair."
No, I've never been down a manhole. What a personal question!
I want to leave the name "Bueller" at restaurants and wait for them to call it two or three times before I answer.
I imagine dismantling a bomb is much like trying to open a yogurt without it blowing up in your face.
If you're not taking advantage of the open bar at a wedding, it should be acceptable to bring a much smaller gift.
Any story about your night out that starts with "So APPARENTLY"... is going to be really, really good!
The only use the house phone has anymore is to call your cell phone when you misplace it
It's always so embarrassing when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation
I have some pretty hilarious inside jokes with myself.
I just agreed to Apples new terms without reading all 64 pages. I really hope there's nothing in there about a human centipede.
If the dog dies at the end of the movie we need to be warned!
Shark Week is basically a giant list of places I will never vacation.
Why was Sally selling seashells down by the seashore? Can't people there just pick them off the beach for free?
I know shirt-dresses are stylish, but seeing a girl wear one makes me think she's doing the walk of shame from a tall guy's house.
It's not a muffin top if it starts at your neck and there's 3 layers.
Pretending to be busy at work is harder than actually being busy.
Polaroids were good but digital cameras have sure increased the number of nude pictures.
It would be a real bummer if fireflies could sting.
I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer "error reports" end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
FYI, if you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour.
Shhhhhhh.... In my movie you don't have any lines.
I wonder what people would've thought if your pocket started flashing while random music suddenly came on just 20 years ago...
I want to hack into my enemies computers and do a search for how to make chloroform. Just in case.
How come the most comfortable position you've been in all night doesn't come until about 20 minutes before you have to get up?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Unless you do your laundry naked, it is never done.
You didn't push your dog out of your vagina so don't refer to yourself as his mommy.
When I see someone trap a spider and put it outside, I wonder how the spider is ever going to find his way home. He probably just told his family he was going for a walk on the wall. At least if you kill it they can find some of his remains.
The first human to discover that they could whistle must have felt like the coolest person ever.
I refuse to acknowledge any boil that isn't rolling.
If you don't have anything nice to say, make sure that you don't say it too loudly.
If you want something done right... get mom to do it.
It's absolutely maddening when you accidentally iron a wrinkle into your clothes
I feel pretty defeated when I can't figure out Blue's Clues.
Designated drivers are always my best friend...for the night
I feel like the plot of Home Alone happens often.
If I were Chuck Berry's cousin Marvin, I'd have said screw him, I'm taking this new sound for myself.
Homemade moonshine shots with my 86 year old, 80 pound grandma? Must be Christmas.
You are guilty of something when you stop completely at a stop sign when no one is around at 3 in the morning.
How impossible is it to get your name on an online game high score list. "Hey, I think I did pretty well that round, let's see if I made the li- Seriously? Eleventy million?
The boss said, "don't text at work," but I am going to assume he meant, "don't let me catch you texting at work."
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Elementary schools should grade harsher so more kids fail; it will prepare them better for adulthood.
It's really cute how women think the silent treatment is punishment for guys.
I'd be so annoyed if someone constantly lifted me up without warning, carried me a short distance, touched my hair, and then put me down in a random spot. I guess that's why cats are so bitchy.
I never understood the power of coffee until I drank it.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
What is it about lying that sets someone's pants on fire?
One of my goals in life is to flip the board of a board game off the table in a moment of justifiable anger.
Its a good thing i bought an easy button before Staples went out of business.
Pet companies need to stop making my cats mouse toy look so realistic. And my cat needs to stop leaving that realistic rodent on the stairs in the middle of the night!
Why are they called "boy shorts"? I don't know about you, but no boy I know would ever wear them.
Watching biggest loser is only entertaining when the contestants are fatter than me.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.
The word OK looks like a sideways person
Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
The doctor says having sex could help induce your labor. The look in her eyes said we will not be using that approach. Thanks for trying, Doc.
Ever wave at someone who was just wiping their windshield?
What is it about Jesus fish stickers that make a car drive 10 mph below the speed limit?
Romance is putting up a sunset on the beach poster in front of her treadmill.
When I try to stop thinking I just end up thinking about stopping thinking.
If you ask me a question, please be prepared to listen to my answer.
I will be evidence to my kids that you cannot be whatever you want to be when you grow up.
I wonder if Tweety Pie ever sought out medical advice about his oversized head?
Separating one coffee filter from the rest of the stack is by far the most frustrating part of my morning.
I wonder why cat food companies don't offer a mouse flavored product.
If you breed a bulldog and shih tsu together do you get a bullshih?
Anything potatoes can do, sweet potatoes can do better.
I can't understand why restaurants serve warm bread with unspreadable ice chips for butter?
Why don't British people sound British when they sing?
There needs to be an express elevator down for when you are leaving work.
If more men watched Snapped on Oxygen, they might think twice about a few things.
The employee at my work who decides what websites to block is my least favorite person on the planet.
No matter how many times the girl insists on paying for herself on a date, she has no real intention of actually doing so.
When you work the morning shift, the topic of conversation is usually a contest to see who got the least amount of sleep last night.
Um, am I the only one that didn't realize gun-point wasn't a real place.
The good news is she's not pregnant, the bad news is I never want to have sex again.
The shoes a person wears tell me their entire life story.
Oh, you made a donation in my name? Haha, awesome! Seriously, though, where's my real gift?
You know you live in Texas when schools are closed because there's a chance it might snow less than half an inch.
All the mozzarella just melted out of my cheese sticks... well that's it, my day is ruined.
Oh, Okay. So because you own the company you can be an ass? Well, here's what I can do, waste 8 hours of your money.
A thunder-snow storm would be so cool.
How is it that my dog goes from "My bladder is empty" to "OMG if you don't take me out THIS second I'm going to pee all over your floor" in the time span of 3 seconds?
Hooves must be really uncomfortable.
True love is: When your husband pulls a gluestick out of the drawer and asks if its glue or chapstick and you answer.....glue.
We should be able to refer to the number 110 as "eleventy".
A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.
Who the hell closes the door when the bus driver finally gets off?
What if the whole universe is just a cell of a more complex life form?
Whenever people say things like @^#$&*! I’m never sure how to pronounce it.
I always laugh when people say, “Another day, another dollar,” because I make like five times as much as them.
I kind of think bubble baths might be more relaxing if I didn’t bring my cat.
Floors are just lazy walls.
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
If I see a bunch of kids in trees I think, "Oh cute, they're playing"... If I see a bunch of adults in trees... I'm looking for the closest fucking tree!
- Demetri Martin
If there is one thing I've learned from history, it's that we have learned nothing from our history.
Hate your favorite song by setting it as your alarm ringtone.
I chew so much gum, I'm thinking of taking up cigarettes just to quit my gum habits.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy.
Barbie may seem like she has everything, but I bet she'd trade it all for some eyelids.
Anyone else ever wonder what their second grade pen-pal is up to these days?
There should be a car decal of just one stick figure and a caption that reads: "Doing my part for population control."
Just heard that a few Walmarts will be opening dental office's inside their stores. I bet there will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
One day I'd like to read the book that seems to have all the oldest tricks written in it.
At what point in someone's life do they just say "fuck it I'm going to swallow knifes for a living"?
If you take the elevator up or down one floor chances are everyone else in there is judging you.
It's not drinking alone if the dogs are home.
How can the sound of a little mosquito initiate the exact same reflexes as if my head were set on fire?
If you're smoking in your Prius, I think your priorities are wrong.
You know how there are leashes for kids so they don't run off and get lost, or get themselves killed? ... Well, I need one for my grown-up drunk friends.
As long as NASCAR exists, I absolutely refuse to believe there is a gasoline crisis in the world.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that it's okay to have your dog watch your kids while you go out and party.
My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
1% Battery left* Me: “Challenge accepted!”
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
On my tombstone I want it to say, I didn't forward that email to 15 friends.
I like that one rap song where they rap about how much money they have.
I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
Let's all take a moment to be thankful spiders can't fly.
I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.
Don't worry that spider is so much smaller than you, yeah, and so is a grenade!
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in Chineese.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance……. The 5 stages of buying gas.
HEY, WHO STOLE MY – nevermind, I found it.
Everyone in the corporate world has the same strategy for fixing the broken office printer. Look around, make sure no one saw you, walk away, justify why you don't really need that printout. Then come back an hour later to see if it is fixed.
Dear ice cubes, please stop attacking my face. I just want the rest of my drink.
I tend to think love would be a lot more interesting if Cupid replaced his bow and arrow with a sniper rifle.
Living each day like it's your last is a really good excuse for never filling up my gas tank
No you cannot have the red Starburst - I was nice enough to offer you A Starburst so shut up and take the yellow one.
If I spray a mosquito with mosquito repellant, will he die alone and friendless?
Next election, I want one of the choices to be, "None of the above".
Don't believe everything they tell you! I ate an apple in front of a doctor the other day and the bastard didn't go away!
You know what's amazing about life? Me neither.
You know you're in trouble when you say, "I know my rights."
Pepe Le Pew is consistently sexually assaulting that cat and nobody's saying anything?
Skinny jeans are called skinny for a reason. If you're the opposite of skinny, don't wear them.
Epic fail: I just sneezed into a fan
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I couldn't hear anything over the sound of your face tattoo telling me not to take you seriously.
If I had a quarter for every time I saw a vibrating bed, I would use it.
While cleaning out my son's closet I found a squished, unopened Twinkie in his backpack from last year. I was almost too disgusted to eat it.
With a solid center surrounded by molten layers and a thin crust, the Earth sounds delicious.
Men make amazing salesmen. This comes from years of trying to persuade women to have sex with them.
Some studies show as many as 30% of married individuals are having an affair. This leads me to believe I could freak out an awful lot of people in a day with random accusations. "Psst, I know all about the affair."
No, I've never been down a manhole. What a personal question!
I want to leave the name "Bueller" at restaurants and wait for them to call it two or three times before I answer.
I imagine dismantling a bomb is much like trying to open a yogurt without it blowing up in your face.
If you're not taking advantage of the open bar at a wedding, it should be acceptable to bring a much smaller gift.
Any story about your night out that starts with "So APPARENTLY"... is going to be really, really good!
The only use the house phone has anymore is to call your cell phone when you misplace it
It's always so embarrassing when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation
I have some pretty hilarious inside jokes with myself.
I just agreed to Apples new terms without reading all 64 pages. I really hope there's nothing in there about a human centipede.
If the dog dies at the end of the movie we need to be warned!
Shark Week is basically a giant list of places I will never vacation.
Why was Sally selling seashells down by the seashore? Can't people there just pick them off the beach for free?
I know shirt-dresses are stylish, but seeing a girl wear one makes me think she's doing the walk of shame from a tall guy's house.
It's not a muffin top if it starts at your neck and there's 3 layers.
Pretending to be busy at work is harder than actually being busy.
Polaroids were good but digital cameras have sure increased the number of nude pictures.
It would be a real bummer if fireflies could sting.
I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer "error reports" end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
FYI, if you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour.
Shhhhhhh.... In my movie you don't have any lines.
I wonder what people would've thought if your pocket started flashing while random music suddenly came on just 20 years ago...
I want to hack into my enemies computers and do a search for how to make chloroform. Just in case.
How come the most comfortable position you've been in all night doesn't come until about 20 minutes before you have to get up?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Unless you do your laundry naked, it is never done.
You didn't push your dog out of your vagina so don't refer to yourself as his mommy.
When I see someone trap a spider and put it outside, I wonder how the spider is ever going to find his way home. He probably just told his family he was going for a walk on the wall. At least if you kill it they can find some of his remains.
The first human to discover that they could whistle must have felt like the coolest person ever.
I refuse to acknowledge any boil that isn't rolling.
If you don't have anything nice to say, make sure that you don't say it too loudly.
If you want something done right... get mom to do it.
It's absolutely maddening when you accidentally iron a wrinkle into your clothes
I feel pretty defeated when I can't figure out Blue's Clues.
Designated drivers are always my best friend...for the night
I feel like the plot of Home Alone happens often.
If I were Chuck Berry's cousin Marvin, I'd have said screw him, I'm taking this new sound for myself.
Homemade moonshine shots with my 86 year old, 80 pound grandma? Must be Christmas.
You are guilty of something when you stop completely at a stop sign when no one is around at 3 in the morning.
How impossible is it to get your name on an online game high score list. "Hey, I think I did pretty well that round, let's see if I made the li- Seriously? Eleventy million?
The boss said, "don't text at work," but I am going to assume he meant, "don't let me catch you texting at work."
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Elementary schools should grade harsher so more kids fail; it will prepare them better for adulthood.
It's really cute how women think the silent treatment is punishment for guys.
I'd be so annoyed if someone constantly lifted me up without warning, carried me a short distance, touched my hair, and then put me down in a random spot. I guess that's why cats are so bitchy.
I never understood the power of coffee until I drank it.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
What is it about lying that sets someone's pants on fire?
One of my goals in life is to flip the board of a board game off the table in a moment of justifiable anger.
Its a good thing i bought an easy button before Staples went out of business.
Pet companies need to stop making my cats mouse toy look so realistic. And my cat needs to stop leaving that realistic rodent on the stairs in the middle of the night!
Why are they called "boy shorts"? I don't know about you, but no boy I know would ever wear them.
Watching biggest loser is only entertaining when the contestants are fatter than me.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.
The word OK looks like a sideways person
Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
The doctor says having sex could help induce your labor. The look in her eyes said we will not be using that approach. Thanks for trying, Doc.
Ever wave at someone who was just wiping their windshield?
What is it about Jesus fish stickers that make a car drive 10 mph below the speed limit?
Romance is putting up a sunset on the beach poster in front of her treadmill.
When I try to stop thinking I just end up thinking about stopping thinking.
If you ask me a question, please be prepared to listen to my answer.
I will be evidence to my kids that you cannot be whatever you want to be when you grow up.
I wonder if Tweety Pie ever sought out medical advice about his oversized head?
Separating one coffee filter from the rest of the stack is by far the most frustrating part of my morning.
I wonder why cat food companies don't offer a mouse flavored product.
If you breed a bulldog and shih tsu together do you get a bullshih?
Anything potatoes can do, sweet potatoes can do better.
I can't understand why restaurants serve warm bread with unspreadable ice chips for butter?
Why don't British people sound British when they sing?
There needs to be an express elevator down for when you are leaving work.
If more men watched Snapped on Oxygen, they might think twice about a few things.
The employee at my work who decides what websites to block is my least favorite person on the planet.
No matter how many times the girl insists on paying for herself on a date, she has no real intention of actually doing so.
When you work the morning shift, the topic of conversation is usually a contest to see who got the least amount of sleep last night.
Um, am I the only one that didn't realize gun-point wasn't a real place.
The good news is she's not pregnant, the bad news is I never want to have sex again.
The shoes a person wears tell me their entire life story.
Oh, you made a donation in my name? Haha, awesome! Seriously, though, where's my real gift?
You know you live in Texas when schools are closed because there's a chance it might snow less than half an inch.
All the mozzarella just melted out of my cheese sticks... well that's it, my day is ruined.
Oh, Okay. So because you own the company you can be an ass? Well, here's what I can do, waste 8 hours of your money.
A thunder-snow storm would be so cool.
How is it that my dog goes from "My bladder is empty" to "OMG if you don't take me out THIS second I'm going to pee all over your floor" in the time span of 3 seconds?
Hooves must be really uncomfortable.
True love is: When your husband pulls a gluestick out of the drawer and asks if its glue or chapstick and you answer.....glue.
We should be able to refer to the number 110 as "eleventy".
A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.
Who the hell closes the door when the bus driver finally gets off?
What if the whole universe is just a cell of a more complex life form?
Whenever people say things like @^#$&*! I’m never sure how to pronounce it.
I always laugh when people say, “Another day, another dollar,” because I make like five times as much as them.
I kind of think bubble baths might be more relaxing if I didn’t bring my cat.
Floors are just lazy walls.
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
If I see a bunch of kids in trees I think, "Oh cute, they're playing"... If I see a bunch of adults in trees... I'm looking for the closest fucking tree!
- Demetri Martin